Don't make me put my hands on my hips.

The years have been good to me. It's those weekends that did me in.

I'm not short. I'm fun size!

I'd like to help, but I've misplaced my wand.

I'm getting so old, the candles cost more than the cake.

God answers knee mail.

I tried being good, but it just didn't work out.

Real women don't have hot flashes. They have power surges.

I'm retired. I don't have time to work.

Don't make me drop a house on you.

YES, I have a truck. NO, I won't help you move.

You know you're getting older when happy hour is a nap.

Some people say I have a bad attitude. I say screw them?

RETIREMENT. Twice the husband. Half the pay.

I'm in my own little world, but it's okay. They know me here.

Dear Lord, deliver me from SIN....Just not yet!

I'm too busy to tell people how busy I am.

Live each day like its your last. One day, you'll get it right.

GEEZER (ge-zer) slang. Not young. Not dead. Somewhere in between.

POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS. Need to be changed often for the same reason.

To save time, let's just assume I'm NEVER wrong.

DOG HAIR. The other condiment.

LOVE isn't really champagne by the fireplace. It's more like beer next to the dishwasher.

Lord, give me the strength to put up with the people who are going to piss me off today.

The only trouble with retirement: YOU NEVER GET A DAY OFF!

The light at the end of the tunnel...may be an oncoming TRAIN!

HOMELAND SECURITY—fighting terror since 1492.

To be old and wise, you must first have to be young and stupid.

I'M NOT STUBBORN. My way is just better.

Where were you when THE WIZARD was handing out the brains?

WINE. There's nothing like a fresh box.

GRANDPARENTING...The ultimate extreme sport.

What happens in the man cave, stays in the man cave.