Seen on T-shirts, Cups or Signs
Remember--as far as anyone knows, we are a normal family.
I’m confused. . .wait, maybe I’m not.
I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
Well, aren’t you just a freakin’ ray of sunshine!
You don’t have to be crazy to work here. We’ll
train you.
Multi Tasking: Screwing up several things at once.
I’m not stubborn. My way is just better.
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
Where there’s smoke…there’s a man grilling.
I’m on island time.
Life is not a journey to the grave
With the intention of arriving safely
In a pretty and well-preserved body,
But rather to skid in broadside,
Thoroughly used up,
Totally worn out, and proclaiming,
“Wow, what a ride!”
What happens with the girlfriends, stays with the girlfriends.
Instant diva…just add wine.
A girlfriend lets you know when you have tucked your skirt into
your pantyhose. . .
a TRUE girlfriend tells you BEFORE you leave the bathroom!
My body is here,
But my heart is at the beach.
Well-behaved women rarely make history.
Don’t make me break out my flying monkeys.
Never underestimate the power of a hissie fit.
I love the nights I can’t remember
With the friends I can’t forget.
It is what it is.
(Unless, of course, it ISN’T)
Time flies when you’re having rum.
I want to be an outrageous old woman
Who never gets called an old lady.
I want to get leaner and meaner,
Sharp edged and earth colored,
Till I fade away
From pure joy.
Now, be off…Before someone drops a house on you, too!
My reality check bounced.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Time flies when you’re having rum.
I gave up exercising…my thighs kept rubbing together and catching my underpants on fire.
Stop looking at my shirt.
Scientific theory proven: the universe does revolve around me.
Annoying the world one person at a time.
YES. IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT ME.
RAISING A TEENAGER IS LIKE NAILING JELLO TO A TREE.
THE PROBLEM WITH ITALIAN FOOD IS THAT THREE OR FOUR DAYS LATER, YOU’RE HUNGRY AGAIN.
A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET.
WHEN DO TELEMARKETERS EAT DINNER?
DID YOU FIND THAT SHORT PIER YET?
I ONLY HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LOOK GOOD.
I’VE FORGOTTEN MORE THINGS THAT YOU’VE LEARNED.
YOU PUT THE FUN IN DYSFUNCTIONAL.
YOUTH IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG.
IF I THROW A STICK, WILL YOU LEAVE?
LIFE IS SHORT. WHAT’S YOUR POINT?
ZIP CODE YOUR STORY.
I DIDN’T SAY IT WAS YOUR FAULT. I SAID I WAS GOING TO BLAME IT ON YOU.
GOOD MORNING IS AN OXYMORON.
IF YOU’RE TOO OPEN MINDED, YOUR BRAIN WILL FALL OUT.
MATURITY IS OVERRATED.
GOLF IS A GOOD WALK RUINED.
WHAT IF THE HOKEY-POKEY IS REALLY WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT?
DON’T TAKE LIFE SO SERIOUSLY. IT ISN’T PERMANENT.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO COOK FOR PEOPLE.
OLD AGE HASN’T SLOWED ME DOWN. I WAS ALWAYS THIS SLOW.
A GOOD LAWYER KNOWS THE LAW. A GREAT LAWYER KNOWS THE JUDGE.
HOME IS WHERE YOUR STORY BEGINS.
ALWAYS KISS ME GOODNIGHT.
I HOPE YOU DANCE.
NO MONEY, NO JOB, NO CAR, BUT I’M IN A BAND.
SARCASM. JUST ONE MORE SERVICE I OFFER.
I’M ONLY WEARING BLACK UNTIL THEY MAKE SOMETHING DARKER.
SOME DAYS IT’S NOT EVEN WORTH CHEWING THROUGH THE RESTRAINTS.
CATHOLIC SCHOOL SURVIVOR.
I SMELL SOMETHING BURNING. HAVE YOU BEEN THINKING AGAIN?
I’VE STOPPED LISTENING. WHY HAVEN’T YOU STOPPED TALKING?
A TEAM EFFORT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE DOING WHAT I SAY.
WORRYING IS LIKE ROCKING IN A CHAIR. IT GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO
DO, BUT YOU DON'T GET ANYWHERE.
TELL ME AGAIN HOW LUCKY I AM TO WORK HERE. I KEEP FORGETTING.
TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A WOOD—AND I TOOK THE ONE LESS TRAVELED BY STATE TROOPERS.
SHOOT FOR THE MOON. EVEN IF YOU MISS, YOU’LL LAND AMONG THE STARS.
AT MY AGE “GETTING LUCKY” IS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.
WOMEN WHO BEHAVE RARELY MAKE HISTORY.
GOOD MORNING IS AN OXYMORON.
LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE NUMBER OF BREATHS WE TAKE, BUT BY THE MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY.
I’M RIGHT. HE’S WRONG. END OF STORY.
DRINK COFFEE. DO STUPID THINGS FASTER WITH MORE ENERGY.
DO ONE THING EVERY DAY THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
I LIVE IN MY OWN LITTLE WORLD, BUT IT’S OKAY. . .THEY KNOW ME HERE.
LIFE IS SIMPLE. EAT. SLEEP. READ ROMANCE.
A GOOD FRIEND WILL COME AND BAIL YOU OUT OF JAIL. . .BUT A TRUE FRIEND WILL BE SITTING NEXT TO YOU SAYING, “DAMN. . .THAT WAS FUN!”
PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND DEAL WITH IT!
THERE CAN’T BE A CRISIS TODAY. MY SCHEDULE IS ALREADY FULL.
STRESS IS WHEN YOU WAKE UP SCREAMING AND THEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOU HAVEN’T FALLEN ASLEEP YET.
I PLANNED TO CHANGE THE WORLD, BUT I COULDN’T GET A BABYSITTER.
JUST BUILD A BRIDGE--AND GET OVER IT!
I JUST HAVEN’T BEEN THE SAME SINCE THAT HOUSE FELL ON MY SISTER.
MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL, WHAT THE @#@*! HAPPENED?
PIZZA. IT’S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE.
ON YOUR MARK, GET SET. . .GO AWAY!
REALITY TV: FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN’T HANDLE FANTASY.
DID THE WIZARD EVER GET BACK TO YOU ABOUT THAT BRAIN?
DEAR DOROTHY: HATE OZ. TOOK THE SHOES. FIND YOUR OWN WAY HOME. TOTO.
TO ERR IS HUMAN, TO BLAME IT ON SOMEONE ELSE SHOWS MANAGEMENT POTENTIAL.
I’M STILL A HOT BABE—IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.
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